My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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