Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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