you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
