awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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