I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
