I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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