She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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