I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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