My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
