how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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