Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
