I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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