I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
