I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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