true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
please don't ironically join a cult
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