Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
