My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
