so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
