i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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