And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
