Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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