God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
