Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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