My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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