ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
And then my night got REAL pukey
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
