You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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