I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
