Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
