"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
