my phone needs a breathalizer
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
