what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
