the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
