Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
