I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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