I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
