Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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