ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
