I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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