Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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