The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We were destined to go to rehab together
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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