I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
