I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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