Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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