i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
