I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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