I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Holy sore nipples Batman
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
