Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
