matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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