the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
