I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
